So You Want To Be A Stay-At-Home Mom (Or Dad)?

Perhaps the better question that we're all asking is, "Can I AFFORD to be a stay-at-home mom or dad?" To make it as a family living off one income in this culture of what I would describe as "hyper-materialist" is no easy feat. So many mothers, especially, long to be able to be home with their children -- yet they are told by the media, peers, and perhaps even their pastors, parents or spouse that to support a family in this day and age a two-income home is the only responsible option.

Our humble abode

Sadly, I have heard of too many women who have been verbally chastised and bullied by the people closest to them for their desire to choose to stay at home (the irony of the feminist mantra of "choice" should not be lost here). My own experience has been one of suffering, with friends and family both directly and indirectly voicing their displeasure at my desire to be "just" a housewife and "just" a stay-at-home-mom. I know about the painful assumptions people make toward women (and some men too, I'm sure) in this arena because I, too, have endured them. We are implicated in being lazy, lacking motivation, irresponsible, unwilling to contribute to the family, freeloaders, and non-functioning members of society. The accusations sound exaggerated, but I assure you they are not.

I want moms and dads to know that a stay-at-home parent, far from being a burden and a freeloader, is a significant blessing to the family and to greater society. The goal of this post is not to enumerate all the ways we benefit from this model of life so I won't spend time going into detail, but if one feels the pull to stay at home to raise their children you should be encouraged that it is a noble undertaking that requires hard work, enormous responsibility and makes countless contributions to the family.

Catching a rare moment of rest with my third

But, you ask, can a family really financially survive if only one parent works? My answer is yes, in most cases. A lot of it does depend on the income you'll be relying on. We are a family of five living off an income just slightly higher than the national median income of $40k. I know some families who are able to live off half that because of prudent budgeting and major sacrifice. They want to make it work, and so they do.

Sometimes there are situations where both parents must find work outside the home in order to make enough money to put food on the table and pay the utility bills. This is indisputable. Only you can be the true judge of your financial situation. Yet I really do think there's a stronghold of confusion regarding what makes it "necessary" that both parents have to enter the public workplace. All too often the average American family sacrifices a full-time parent for their children because they have been persuaded to believe that they "need" to live in that newly built 3000 square foot house, "need" to eat out often, "need" to take major vacations every year, "need" to furnish their home with the latest in furniture and knick knacks, "need" to drive a brand new car, "need" to wear designer clothing, "need" to own all the latest electronic gadgets, "need" to wear makeup and jewelry, "need" to have a gym membership/home gym, "need" to throw big parties every weekend, and on and on...

To afford to be a SAHM or SAHD requires going against the grain of the hyper-materialist culture, this can't be denied. But, to be cliche, where there is a will there is usually a way -- and the resulting benefits are great. Here's some ideas, gleaned from my own experience, on how to live in such a way that leaves room for mommy or even daddy to raise those beloved children and manage the home front full-time. I hope they help you!

1. Eat and drink simply
Eating adequately - and healthily - should not be compromised simply for the sake of tightening down the monthly budget. On the other hand, there's a lot of ways to feed the family nutritious, full meals while also significantly reducing the food bill.

• To eat well AND frugally, you will need to be OK with eating "real," whole foods and staying away from the processed food aisles. Processed, packaged foods are significantly more expensive than the real thing. And yes, your children will be just fine without fruit gummies and those strange Gerber mini hot dogs. I promise!

• Whether it's breakfast, lunch or dinner, serve your family simple, basic meals. The fewer ingredients that go into a dish, the more economical it is. You don't need to serve five different things or prepare fancy main dishes that have an ingredient list 10 or 15 items deep.

• Drink little - or no - alcohol and soda. These can ratchet up your grocery bill fast and they're nutritionally empty. If you're wanting to stay at home and you need to count your pennies, this is an easy choice to make. Fresh vegetables for the week or a bottle of wine? You be the judge.

Prepping our garden :)

• Make what you can at home (like homemade bread) and grow what you're able. We have a very small yard and a short growing season so my gardening abilities are limited, but even in my small raised bed I am able to grow tomatoes, peas, zucchini, carrots, lettuces, herbs, and the like. If you have the ability to garden (and better yet, learn the art of canning), it will save you major $ at the grocery store.

• You don't need to "extreme coupon" in order to make ends meet. The best way I've found to buy cheaply is to shop only what's truly on sale (be aware that stores do try to trick you by putting big 'for sale' signs on items that are only a meager 10 or 20 cents off) and be willing to buy store brands. Yes, it may taste different from what you're used to, but in most cases the difference is insignificant and you can learn to adjust. 

• Lastly, the no-brainer: don't eat out. If you do, only go for very special occasions or when you have a gift card. Even a meal for two at a casual chain restaurant can run you $30 a pop. If you have a $400 monthly food budget, you've just blown almost half a week's worth of food money for the entire family on one meal.

The extent of my couponing success...

2. Refuse all opportunities to acquire debt
There is no end to the "opportunities" the culture presents to us to go into debt. The biggest one almost everyone gets reigned into is a car payment. Families can end up shelling out $300, $400, $500 or more a month on one car ALONE. If you have two cars, as most do, that figure doubles. People may tell you "car payments are a way of life," but don't buy into it. With proper budgeting and planning, you can buy an adequate used car with cash and save yourself thousands and thousands of dollars. If you already have a car payment, do whatever you can to pay it off, even if it means selling the car and buying something you can afford with the resulting cash. With an extra $400 or even $800 in your pocket each month, stay-at-home parenting becomes a much easier way of life.

Other "debt opportunities" to avoid: financing furniture, appliances, and luxury items (aka: 50" LCD flat screen TVs or treadmills). Save up and pay cash or do without. It is my belief that debt is never, ever worth it with the exception of perhaps a home mortgage.

Our minivan, which is finally paid in full 

3. Go without Bowser and Muffy
Here in the U.S. pets sap up the most of our discretionary income. We spent $53 billion on them last year alone! If you didn't have to spend money on veterinary bills, dog food, and pet toys could you afford to stay home and raise your children yourself? It's a question we must ask ourselves. What comes first: pets or children?

If you're Catholic, we should think soberly on the blunt words of Pope Francis (spoken shortly before he was elected): "On those things that are not necessities, or superfluous things, the greatest amount is spent on pets. The most unnecessary spending is made on pets. Pets are idolized... And the second largest amount of money is spent on cosmetology. Cosmetics. ...There are millions and millions spent on these two things. Meanwhile the Pope [Benedict XVI] is talking about children who are dying of hunger in underdeveloped continents like Africa, Asia and America. First come pets. And then if there is something left, we throw it to the children."

We gave up our cats when our second was a toddler. (You may have caught a glimpse of our old cat in the window in the first photo!) I felt guilty for weeks, but looking back it was one of the wisest decisions we've ever made.


4. Be green
Going "green" does more than help the environment, it is a fabulous way to lessen the monthly expenses. Items like Pine Sol and 409 are dangerous for little explorers, bad for the environment and our health, and EXPENSIVE. I do 99% of my cleaning with vinegar and, occasionally, baking soda. Vinegar is so cheap - just pour into a plastic spray bottle and go. I also make my own laundry detergent, which has been a significant cost-saver.

Beauty products are also a big money sap (especially cosmetics, as referenced above). They are not good for us either -- almost all commercially-made products are filled with chemicals. There are a few ways you can "go green" and save money. One is to make your own products with natural ingredients, like my DIY Face Powder or the Lemon Sugar Facial Scrub. Also ask yourself if you really need to be wearing makeup each day -- or at all.

I think in the U.S. especially we don't realize what a superfluous thing it is to use makeup. I've even heard American Christian women claim we must wear it to be a "wise woman" or a "good witness." This is just silly. Millions of devout and beautiful women around the world don't wear makeup nor can they afford to, and some of the most extraordinary female witnesses to the Christian faith never wore a dot of foundation or lipstick in their life. If you're hesitant about putting the blush and mascara aside, I challenge you to try it for just a day. If you can do that, do it for a few days. Try to go a week. It gets easier, and you'll get used to your "new you." You'll also get used to all the extra money you'll have in the bank account and the extra time you'll have each morning! I recently threw my makeup out and while it was hard at first (primarily because of my own pride and vanity), I now rarely even think about it.


5. Make others' trash your treasure
In other words, buy used. These days so many people get rid of perfectly good, almost-new items in order to make room for the "newest" and "best" that it's incredibly easy to buy used and still have nice things. For instance, I almost always buy used children's clothing and used books. There are great bargains to be had, especially if you check out local garage sales! I've had no problem finding stacks of like-new, name brand clothing at garage sales for as little as 50 cents a piece. The same goes for books. In addition to garage sales, keep an eye out for used book sales at your local library.

For baby items, consignment sales are usually a stay-at-home family's paradise -- I've bought like-new baby bouncers and diaper genies at a third of their original price!

Of course there's also Craigslist, Freecycle, thrift stores and, for new items at used prices, clearance racks at your favorite stores. I've always found fantastic deals on the Target clearance racks.


6. Turn down that dial
Energy costs can add a great deal of strain to a one-income family budget. The good news is that's pretty easy to manage: just turn down the dial!

• On your thermostat, set the temperature a degree or two lower than usual and put on a sweatshirt if you feel cool. At night consider a larger drop -- we set ours at 58 degrees this winter. I did it as an experiment, thinking we'd be too cold, but we haven't even noticed a difference! I'm still usually too warm at night, which is saying a lot considering I'm always accused of being the coldest person in the room. ;) We don't have air conditioning, but if you do consider doing the opposite: turn up the dial a notch or two so that it has to get warmer in order for the a/c to kick in. 

• Turn down your hot water heater to the lowest setting, usually 120 degrees. This is both a means of cutting costs and a safety measure to avoid scalding.

• Wash your clothes on cool or cold. I've tried this with my homemade detergent and it appears to work just as well. Using hot water for laundry is one of the biggest contributors to high energy bills!

7. Trim the fat
By "fat" I mean the extra, unnecessary fluff taking up room on your monthly budget. These are things that sure are nice to have, but can, ultimately, be given up. What "fat" is on your budget?

• Cable TV? (hint: Netflix is a cheap alternative)
• Movie theater money?
• Magazine and newspaper subscriptions?
• Memberships (for organizations, gyms, clubs, etc)?
• Smart phone data package?

Most communities have free activities and events -- take advantage of them! Become a regular at the public library (where you can check out not only books but plenty of music and movies). Google search what periodical publications you can receive for free in subjects you're interested in and sign yourself up. If you want to exercise, take up walking around your neighborhood, on local trails or even at the mall. The things we think we "need" can often be satisfied with much less than we think.


8. Downsize
Just because you may live in a huge home now with an equally large mortgage payment doesn't mean you need to stay there (or upgrade). Oftentimes the most prudent thing we can do is live in a humbler home. If you've ever looked at older homes you'll notice that by and large they were much smaller, yet housed larger families! It's a rare family that "needs" a lot of square footage -- you can comfortably fit a lot of people in smaller home (if we're honest we must admit it's the stuff that doesn't fit). There's also another benefit to a smaller house: a closer family life!

Another option to consider is not owning a home at all. Not everyone needs to own a home, nor is it financially feasible to do so. In this market yes, you can find homes that will cost less per month than a rental...however home ownership carries with it a lot of extra costs. Whereas usually rental costs include utilities, maintenance, garbage and water, and even internet, home ownership requires you pay for all these yourself. Then there is the need to have home insurance, many places have HOA fees, and there are also unforeseen home repair costs. Sometimes if you have just one income to rely on, home ownership isn't always the best choice. (If you do buy a home in today's market, make sure you have a large down payment and it's a place you plan on staying in for the long term.)

Lastly, a very cost-effective move is to license and maintain just one car. Not everyone is willing to live that way, especially with the sprawl of many communities that make it impossible to get anywhere without motorized transportation, but it is an option -- even if only for the short term. Huge sacrifice? Definitely. But if it comes down to that or putting your kids in daycare so you can work to afford the costs of having a second car, it seems like a sacrifice worth making.


9. Travel lite
Traveling is fun, believe me I sympathize! There's nothing I enjoy more than a vacation. I love traveling and seeing new places. However, unless the one-income your family is relying on is a hefty one (in which case you probably don't need to be reading this list to begin with!), taking frequent vacations is going to have to go. If your family is itching for a break from routine, do a "staycation" or a day trip. If you're Catholic, visit a neighboring town's parish -- or the diocese cathedral - as a sort of "mini pilgrimage."

The gorgeous cathedral in our diocese

10. Quit the shopping habit
Contrary to popular belief, this is not just a message for women! Men can be just as "addicted" to shopping, they simply buy different things than their female counterparts. Whether it's new high heels, decor for the house, tools, or car parts, the shopping habit needs to be broken. To live off one income requires great discipline in spending habits -- the family has to be committed to only buying what they need, they must break the "I gotta have this!" mindset, and they have to choose to be frugal with gift giving. Our kids don't need $200 worth of presents on their birthdays, and either do we.

TOO much stuff...!

Less IS more.

No, it isn't as much "fun." The money isn't there to throw around as easily as it may be with two incomes. But, in the end, we can't take our things with us. What will endure into eternity is the time we had with the people we loved. Choosing our family over our stuff is a choice that will not go unrewarded -- in this life and the next.

The beauties with whom I'm blessed to spend my days!

Imitating the Pilgrim Witness of Jesus and Pope Francis

"At his last breath the multimillionaire is just as penniless as the dying beggar in a Calcutta street."

Thomas Dubay, Happy Are You Poor

What the Church desperately needs today is for its followers to give authentic witness to the truths of the Gospel. Over Lent, we were profoundly blessed by God to be given another simple, loving man with deep personal holiness to help us as our Papa: Pope Francis. His namesake, St. Francis of Assisi, being one of the most remarkable Christian men of all time -- remembered for his love, purity, peace, and of course, poverty.

By all accounts Pope Francis embodies what it means to walk in the spirit of evangelical poverty that Jesus calls His followers to embrace, that Francis of Assisi lived, and that Thomas Dubay outlines in his book, Happy Are You Poor. Catholics all over the world are thrilled with his simplicity and embrace of only the bare minimum to sustain himself and do his job. I, too, am so very encouraged and enlivened by his example! I eagerly look forward to all that God will say and do through him.

But -- and I have no doubt Pope Francis would agree -- our admiration is not useful unless we, too, follow his example in our daily lives. It is imperative for us as professing Catholic Christians not simply to stop at lauding the humility of a Pope, declaring what a great message he is giving to the Church at large, and hoping that more bishops and priests follow his example. Those sentiments are understandable, yes! But after we have done those things, we must go take the next step. We must pause to consider what Jesus Christ is saying to us personally through this man we consider our appointed shepherd and spiritual father. Can we in good conscience nod our heads in approval, call for others within the Church to imitate him, and then continue to spend large sums of our own money (or money we don't even have!) on acquiring fancier homes and cars, the latest in fashionable home decor, the newest electronics, artificial tans and wrinkle creams, toys/gear/supplies for our numerous hobbies, and the like?

Dubay's chapter entitled Pilgrim Witness opens up with this:

"There is much in Scripture to which a theist has little difficulty in giving theoretical assent but to which in concrete daily life he grants almost no assent at all. No convinced theist has any problem in admitting that idle talk is reprehensible for several reasons, one of which is that it impedes the biblical call to continual prayer. But in daily living few give any thought at all to the problem of continual chatter and the account we are to render of it on Judgement Day (Mt. 12:36). 

Most of us have heard over and over in liturgical readings the admonition of Jesus that we must give up all that we possess to be his disciples (Lk. 14:33), but few in the humdrum of the day-by-day round even advert to detachment, let alone practice it with any approximation of totality." [p. 81]

We have a particular problem here in the United States with the dominant value of our culture being economic: "the American dream" and "the good life" being two popular phrases where obtaining wealth and the indiscriminate spending of that wealth is the unsaid principle. For the Christian this should pose a serious dilemma, as this ideology flies in the face of the entire Gospel ideal. But the value of the economic "good life" is so pervasive that the ordinary American Christian has become utterly desensitized to Jesus' call to "give up all that we possess." We have been lulled to sleep -- by our education system, the media, our peers, sadly even our own family members and churches -- and we've convincingly assured ourselves that we can arrange our lives around the things of the world (possessions and pleasure seeking) and yet still have all the treasures of heaven added on to us as well.

Dubay relates a specific excellent example about how the underlying economic ideal forms our decisions as Christians:

At Mass one Sunday  morning in October a serious, deeply religious couple hear that the following week there is going to be a collection for the foreign missions. As they drive home Mrs. Jones is likely to say, "Bill, do you think we could afford something like $20 or $30 for this collection?" After some musing Mr. Jones may well respond that he, too, thinks they could afford that amount as their contribution. While most would indeed consider Mr. and Mrs. Jones a generous couple, we must note something significant. When both of them used the expression "we could afford", they meant "without changing significantly our level of consuming." They did not mean "we could afford $20 or $30 if we dine out less frequently or give up smoking and cocktails, or if we cancel our vacation trip, or sell one of our sports cars." 

Even in serious people the good life ideology is operative, and it profoundly influences what they do and do not do on the operational level. If Mr. and Mrs. Jones were to give up the good life ideal, they could give far more to the foreign missions. [p. 84]

Ethicist Richard McCormick wrote something similar: "It can be argued that the single dominating and organizing value in American culture is economic... This means that other values will be pursued and promoted only within this overriding priority. Thus, justice in education, housing, medical services, job opportunity is promoted within the dominance of the financial criterion -- 'if we can afford it', where 'afford' refers to the retention of a high level of consumership."

As Christians we are told plainly that we're merely pilgrims in this world (1 Peter 2:11, Heb 11:13-16), but we rarely live as if that's our reality. "We assume that we belong here, that this is our fatherland, that our security is enhanced by a higher salary, a paid-up mortgage, and adequate coverage by insurance," writes Dubay. We need to rediscover the great freedom and joy that we are offered in Christ when we arrange our daily living like pilgrims! We need it not only for our own souls, but for the sake of the conversion of the world -- a world that desperately needs and even desires to discover authentic pilgrim witnesses.

Dubay said in his book that the world and those of us in the world need "lived prophecy." Indeed. The lived prophecy has to be spoken through each of us, whatever our state in life, not just through our dear Pope, our parish priest, and some monks and nuns living in the cloister.

Before Cardinal Jorge Bergoglio became Pope Francis he gave an interview where he spoke on some very relevant points pertaining to this consumerist idolatry that threatens so many of us in our quest for God. I want to end with a few of his quotes (and please, listen to the entire interview -- it's fantastic):



"In today's society new idols are continuously established and driven by consumerism... There is where people get hooked. Indeed there is a strong need to renew the faith."

"Only Jesus provides the answer to this rampant idolatry. And he reigns from the Cross. If we deny the Cross of Jesus, we deny Jesus."

"An interesting fact is the amount spent on non-necessities world wide... On those things that are not necessities, or superfluous things, the greatest amount is spent on pets. The most unnecessary spending is made on pets. Pets are idolized... And the second largest amount of money is spent on cosmetology. Cosmetics. ...There are millions and millions spent on these two things. Meanwhile the Pope is talking about children who are dying of hunger in underdeveloped continents like Africa, Asia and America. First come pets. And then if there is something left, we throw it to the children."

"If you don't worship God, you will have something else. I don't know which one: A pet. Cosmetics. I don't know."

(Last year in the United States alone, over $53 billion was spent on pets and at least $33 billion on cosmetics.)


This post is part of a continuing series of posts on the book Happy Are You Poor. Go here for the first post of the series!

A Sparing-Sharing Lifestyle

In this continuing series I last touched on the underlying point of living a factually "frugal" or "poor" lifestyle (what the author frequently refers to as Gospel poverty). This entry will be relatively brief, as I'm only going to give some highlights from the chapter "A Sparing-Sharing Lifestyle." I encourage you to get a copy for yourself because Thomas Dubay makes so many wonderful points that I couldn't possibly relate them all here!

"Biblical writers were not philosophers, but they knew well enough that material sharing is a consequence of any sincere love. If the goods of earth are extensions of my person and if I love my neighbor as myself, I naturally share my good things. It is idle for me to proclaim concern for the poor, the homeless, for example, and at the same time indulge in elegant dining and drinking, pleasure traveling, and an extensive wardrobe. My life belies my rhetoric... If I am to love my fellowman as myself, it must follow that I desire that his needs be cared for at least as well as I care for mine." [p. 65]

Blessed Mother Teresa

"The contemporary teaching Church has made the point more than once that it is not enough to give of our superfluities to the needy of our world. We are to give even from our need." [p. 67]

"A sharing manner of life is not optional. Creation belongs to all members of the human race, not mainly to the clever, intelligent, resourceful, well born. Sheer justice demands equitable participation. Pope Paul VI cited Saint Ambrose when he said, 'You are not making a gift of your possessions to the poor person. You are handing over to him what is his. For what has been given in common for the use of all you have arrogated to yourself. The world is given to all and not only to the rich.'" [p. 68]

St. Louis, King of France, serving the poor

 "A word of caution. In all our enthusiasm for the alleviation of the plight of the poor we are well advised to avoid the basic atheistic thesis that material destitution is the greatest of all evils... Social injustice is evil, no doubt. But there is a far greater evil, namely, that of not seeking God... They of the largest minds, the saints, have lived heroically the sparing-sharing life of the Gospels, while at the same time they first of all sought eternal life both for themselves and for others." [p. 68-69]

"Some, like Saint John the Baptist de la Salle, lived the message of this volume in a simple direct manner: they literally sold all they owned and gave the proceeds to the poor. Others responded to the Gospel after the manner of Blessed Louisa Albertoni, who, after her husband died, lived in deepest personal poverty and prayer. This woman expended her entire fortune in behalf of the needy to the point that she had nothing left, and she herself lived on alms. Louisa had a unique way of getting rid of her wealth. She would bake huge batches of bread, put gold and silver coins in the loaves, and then distribute them to the poor." [p. 69]

Blessed Louisa Albertoni

"While he was still a layman Saint Peter Damian not only gave directly to the needy but also often invited them to his own table and served them with his own hands. Saint Paulinus of Nola and his wife used their wealth for sundry religious and philanthropic exercises, but they also supported a large number of poor debtors, itinerants, and other needy people. Many of these they lodged in the lower section of their own house." [p. 69]

"Austere and hard on themselves, the saints are customarily indulgent and even tender with the ill and unfortunate. Saint Paschal Baylon, who as a layman went barefooted, ate meagerly and fasted often, yet went to the trouble of obtaining delicacies for the sick and needy. Saint Teresa of Avila mentioned in one of her letters that she commonly gave away to others the candies and other niceties she received." [p.71-72]

The Point of Choosing Poverty

Thus far in this book series I've shared briefly about who is intended to embrace evangelical poverty, as well as what Gospel poverty is not. Thomas Dubay's sixth chapter in Happy Are You Poor: The Simple Life and Spiritual Freedom is titled "Emptiness and Radical Readiness" -- but I think it could be best summed up as "What is the point?"

 It's a valid question. Yes, the Scriptures are undeniably clear in their "hard sayings about the incompatibility of riches and the kingdom." Over and over again we read that,

"it is easier for a camel to pass through a needle's eye than for a rich man to enter God's kingdom (Mk 10:25 and parallels)... The rich man who does not share with the beggar Lazarus at his gate ends up in hell, for he had his comfort in this life (Lk 16:19-31). No one can serve two masters; he must take his pick: God or money; he cannot have both (Mt 6:24). The word of God is smothered, choked, and does not reach maturity in people who succumb to cares, pleasures, and wealth (Lk 8:14 and parallels). We are to avoid avarice in all its forms, for there is no security in finite things even when we have an abundance of them (Lk 12:15). "Woe to the wealthy" is Jesus' proclamation to the rich, for they have their consolation now (Lk 6:24). We are not to lay up treasures on earth where moths and rust corrode and thieves steal...(Mt 6:19-21)." [p. 55]

But while the proclamation to live a different way of life than human reason dictates is obvious, sometimes the understanding of why is not so clear to us. Dubay observes that, "Sensible people do not choose emptiness for the sake of emptiness. Of itself negation has no value... The value of negative things derives, must derive, from something positive, something they make possible."

Therefore we can reasonably conclude that embracing Gospel/evangelical/factual poverty, itself a mere negation or not having, actually is so highly commended in the Bible because of what it makes possible. 

The primary thing factual poverty makes possible is a readiness for the kingdom.

"Factual poverty embraced in faith does something to a person in the deep resources of his being. It matures him, develops him, makes him receptive to what the Lord Jesus is about... One who is poor in and for the Lord is concretely affected by the Gospel... It brings about a felt sensitivity to what the Lord Jesus is all about. It helps dissolve opaqueness, dullness, resistance to the word of God." [p. 56-57]

It goes without even saying (though I will say it anyway because I think it is that important) that the values of God and the values of the world are very much radically opposed. Everything the world esteems and persuades us to chase is 180 degrees removed from that which God cherishes and finds delightful. Most of us, somehow, have had our souls calloused by the bombardment of mainstream media and entertainment, worldly friends and coworkers, and at times even the influence of our own family.

As Dubay points out, one not even go further than an innocent reading of the morning newspaper in order to find the messages that are so alien to Christianity. We all know them (and perhaps have even fallen victim to them, assuming they are compatible with our love of God):

"Prestige is a primary value...bodily comfort and pleasure are indispensable...this life is all we have, so let's enjoy it to the full...impressing people with one's possessions and accomplishments and attractiveness is important...sexual excitement and satisfaction are crucial...success is "coming out on top" in relation to to others...money is a must, for without it one can have very little of anything else worth having in life." [p. 57]

Just take a moment to compare these premises to those found in the New Testament:

"Humility, being last, unknown, hidden in Christ, is a condition for getting into the kingdom...prestige is worthless and even an obstacle to greatness...the hard road and the narrow gate, carrying the cross every day is immensely important...dying to our selfishness and crucifying our illusory desires are indispensable...impressing people is of no importance at all, whereas being pleasing to the divine eyes is everything...virginity is a favored and privileged state, and chaste fidelity in marriage mirrors the very union of Christ and his Church...one may not try to best others; rather he is to serve them as though he were a slave...it is most difficult, indeed it is humanly impossible, for the wealthy to enter the kingdom of heaven." [p. 57-58]

The difference is remarkable! And so it is not difficult to see, then, that the majority of us  -- weakened by our concupiscence and having to live within the world to obtain an education, conduct business, and/or raise our families -- are not always going to be readily disposed to the things of God. Some of us have more receptivity and readiness than others (see the Parable of the Sower), but the fact remains that there is still work to be done to till the soil in us that makes us inhospitable to God's seeds of truth. Gospel poverty does that for us.

I love when Dubay demonstrates the necessity of detachment from material possessions in order to be truly free to love God. He says that, "for us wounded human beings, possessing imperceptibly slips into being possessed. No sooner do I have a watch of some quality than I begin to be reluctant to part with it even if someone needs it more than I do." This is dangerously accurate, is it not? We purchase a brand new, top of the line TV, or that cute scarf we've had our eye on over at Etsy, and in a very real sense we begin morphing into Gollum from the Lord of the Rings. Our objects become our "precious" and we aren't even willing to entertain the possibility of giving them away and doing without -- much less with a cheerful, generous and peaceful attitude! It's not until the next eagerly desired possession comes along -- one that is no doubt newer and lovelier -- that we become willing to part with it.

Dubay continues, "This means that it, a mere thing, has taken a hold on my heart. Having wealth is damaging to the pursuit of the kingdom because the very having does something to one's inner life, one's very ability to love God for his own goodness and others in and for him."

The "very having" he talks about is a deceptive and insidious disease that can quickly and efficiently lead to our damnation. The reason Jesus made the point that it is easier for a camel to enter the eye of a needle than a rich man to enter heaven is that the person with wealth is literally "blinded by his clingings. He not only does not do what he ought to do with his wealth, he does not even see what he ought to do. To him it is obvious that his barns bursting with crops are to be used for his own pleasure: eat, drink, make merry, take things easy (Lk 12:16-21). It does not occur to him that this abundance should be shared with the downtrodden."

Jesus Christ has made clear that the only remedy for the blindness is a casting off our superfluous goods; we must embrace the evangelical notion of poverty described to us in the Bible and demonstrated to us via the lives of the Saints.

You will not find this message from mainstream sources. Even popular Christian-based financial gurus are not reliable sources of advice for biblical living. Take for instance the highly-acclaimed message of Dave Ramsey, whose plan to get out of debt has been immensely helpful to my husband and I. Many of his recommendations are excellent, particularly in helping people arrange their spending in a way that gets them out of debt and helps them stay out of debt. However, on the other hand, the totality of his message and his example is definitely not one of Gospel poverty.

We as Christians are nowhere advised to have the goal of accumulating wealth, living like "no one else" (aka: sacrificially) so that later we can "live like no one else" (aka: grandly). Neither is it ever indicated that we should have the goal of accumulating wealth in order to give to -- or, to use modern church speak -- "bless" others. You will not find one Saint in the record books that operated by this standard -- in fact, just the opposite is true. They did not work toward becoming wealthy; rather, they took whatever wealth they had and distributed it to others so that they themselves subsisted on very little.

This is true even of those devout men and women who lived in the world and were not professed religious who had taken a vow of poverty. They wisely provided for their family until a time came where they could renounce material goods fully, with provision indicating food, shelter, clothing, basic household goods and - if able - quality spiritual books and education. (In modern terms, provision does NOT mean giving children elaborately decorated rooms filled with expensive diversions while mom and dad work towards a fancier home, sportier cars, lovelier furniture, newer "toys," bigger wardrobes, elegant food, superfluous entertainments, or pampered vacations.)

The example of the Saints' piety is not for us to praise but then claim impossible for ourselves. We are ALL expected to make our entire life "the sacrifice" -- the time to "play" will come in the next life, where riches and possessions will be obsolete and we'll find our indescribable, glorious pleasure in one thing alone: the Lord our God.

If we don't have the sensitivity to see the exquisite treasure of this eternal destiny, we should examine ourselves: has our desire for pleasure in this life dulled, or, God forbid, replaced our desire for Jesus Christ?

What Gospel Poverty is NOT

Continuing with my reading of Thomas Dubay's book Happy Are You Poor: The Simple Life and Spiritual Freedom, I wanted to touch on his chapter about what does not characterize Gospel poverty. He makes nine points (quotes are directly from the book):

1. Filth, carelessness, laziness, disorder

Living in squalor with counters full of last week's dirty dishes and old, broken items littered about the yard is not living the Gospel poverty ideal. "From seeing in the mass media so frequently the coexistence of filth and poverty, we easily infer an inner connection between them. There is no basis in the New Testament for this connection."

2.  Destitution

Rather than compel us to live without the very basic necessities (clothing, food, shelter), the Gospel teaches us to attempt to "rub it out wherever it exists." We can live the Gospel poverty ideal without being utterly destitute ourselves. (Although there are some people who will be called to embrace such a lifestyle, such as St. Benedict Joseph Labre.)

3. Miserliness

Avarice is a sin, not a virtue. The goal here is not to be a Mr. Scrooge, but one who has no love of money so that we can freely part with it in order to benefit others.

4. Being economical

Carefully using money and material goods is good, but it is not automatically synonymous with Gospel poverty. "One who is living the New Testament teaching will usually be economical in his use of creation, but it may possibly happen that what is more economical in a given case may be less in accord with Gospel poverty. An expensive, heavy car may last as long as two small ones, and thus be more 'economical,' but it does not follow that people with a vow of poverty ought to buy the former."

5. Being (merely) detached

Anyone truly striving to live the Christian life should have as their goal a true detachment from money and material things, for without it we cannot wholly love God and neighbor. However, the Scriptures indicate that a spirit of poverty alone is not sufficient; "more is needed before we have satisfied the demands of the Lord Jesus."

6. Availability of person, talent, time

In modern times some have tried to argue that a person is living Gospel poverty when they give themselves in some sort of volunteer fashion. Serving at every weekend Mass as a lector or teaching Sunday School classes are most certainly positive endeavors, however they are not substitutes for a frugal, 'sparing-sharing' lifestyle. "A mere reading of the New Testament rapidly shows that when revelation speaks of poverty, it is speaking of material goods, not personal availability."

7. Insensitivity to health

"Scripture nowhere advises us to be careless regarding health. True enough, there is no support either for pampering one's body. We are to carry our cross daily, but this does not imply that we abuse the health God has given us. Even the Lord himself requires the disciples get rest when they need it after laborious work."

8. Respectful use of creation

"No one questions that we should use the earth's resources soberly and respectfully," but can we honestly conclude that the Gospel ideal of poverty is "adequately met" simply by adhering to this highly subjective maxim? "The most selfish people can easily convince themselves that their use is 'sober and respectful.'" Clearly Gospel poverty is much more than an environmental awareness and use issue.

9. Amorphous sentimentalism

"Wealthy societies do not lack people who can speak eloquently about the third and fourth worlds, who call emphatically for 'consciousness raising' about the dire destitution among vast populations and yet who seem to see no incompatibility between their speech and their own way of life. They live comfortably, sometimes elegantly. They possess extensive wardrobes, enjoy costly vacations and recreations and dining and drinking and traveling. And yet they talk of the value of Gospel poverty. Their rhetoric of course impresses few listeners...

Talking about the needy and yet not sharing with them betrays a dead faith and an absence of love. Beatification and canonization processes make plain what the Church thinks of laymen and clerics and religious who live comfortable lives with scarcely a thought for the have-nots in our world."